Is it selfish to have your own biological baby?

I’ve always wondered about this question.
Before my hysterectomy G and I said we would want to have our own baby and adopt. I think adoption is a lovely thing to do, and I wouldn’t have any problem loving a child that wasn’t biologically mine. As a primary school teacher, I have wanted to take a few neglected children home to look after. It’s easy to get attached when you are with them everyday. Obviously, I never have, that would be wrong.

So, why are we all so obsessed with having our own children?
Obviously, the main reason is innate and natural. A women has hormomes that fly around her body that just scream, “It’s time you were pregnant Mrs!” These feelings become so strong that women find them difficult to ignore. Men probably have something similar, where their testosterone levels urge them to pass on their genes to continue their family name. Fair enough, its biology and we can’t really argue with that.

I know that couples want to produce something that is made from the love that they have for each other. I know that starting a family shows true commitment and is a beautiful way to seal the bond. But, is it really necessary? After all, there’re too many people on the planet as it is, and just after watching Jeremy Kyle ( A British chat show similar to Ricky Lake, Montel Williams and Sally) it’s obvious to see there are many children out there who are crying out for someone to give them a stable and loving home. Unfortunately though it’s not easy to “just adopt.” In fact for some it’s near impossible. The hoops you have to jump through to adopt in your own country and the money you have to fork out if you choose to adopt abroad, is enough to put anyone off the whole thing. Not only that, it’s an emotional rollar coaster of ride from start to finish.

After my hysterectomy, it was daunting to think that we wouldn’t have grown up children to look after us when are old. This is looking far into the future, but, it’s an obvious and relevant thing to think about. I remember my husband getting panicky about it, making me look up pensions and trying to work out a way we would survive financially and physically without the help of our older children. He is still a bit like this, but has calmed down somewhat. This may be another motive to have children, but isn’t an obvious one until you realise you can’t.

I wanted to make a baby to show the world how much we loved each other. I was looking forward to caring for it, feeling proud of their achievments and bringing it up to be a brilliant human being. I wanted another little part of our family to love. Two to become three because my husband and I are good together. I also wanted to see what we could produce looks wise! I mean he has a big nose and I’m a short arsed raggy doll, it was fun to day dream about those kinds of things. Luckily for me, wanting a child has very little to do with biology and more to do with loving another person. I just wish the UK adoption process was as easy as the making a baby process.

My conclusion then, is that having a biological baby in these times would be deemed as being selfish, but only if adoption was easy. We all want a baby for our own motives, to make us feel better, to give us somebody else to love. Unless the world stops having children for many years the human race won’t suddenly end if we decide not to have children. However, having a child is the most natural thing in the world, so being selfish this one time is perfectly fine.

What do you think?


6 thoughts on “Is it selfish to have your own biological baby?

  1. If anyone starts out wanting a baby for selfish motives, the baby definitely teaches you how to and even forces you to put others first and not be selfish. Perhaps that is why the title of your article was confusing to me at first. I’ve never thought of the desire to have children as selfish.

    • Thank you for taking to the time to comment!

      I can understand why you have never thought that having a baby is selfish. When I say selfish, I don’t mean it in the usual nasty way that selfish sounds. I am saying that when people have a baby, they are having that baby for themselves, who else and why else would they be having it? The world DOES need to reproduce, but not by this many. There will come a time when it can’t sustain itself especially as people are living much longer these days. Look at China. Their government had to say, only one child per family because their population is so high and it would harm them as a nation if they had any more. So to me, EVERYBODY has a baby for selfish for motives, myself included if my body would allow me to have them!
      I do agree that having a baby will make some people less selfish, because they have to put their child’s needs before their own. If they are not used to doing this then it will be a huge learning curve and it will ultimately make them a better person.
      I have also heard people saying that NOT having a baby is selfish, and I am confused by that idea. I have written a blog post somewhere about that too. I am childless and feel that I put others before myself even without having children. In my opinion having children does not make you more selfless than anyone else. Selfless to me is fostering or adopting(even when you can have your own), doing charity work for the sick and homeless or caring for an elderly relative in your own home. To me these are selfless acts that should be commended, not just having a child because you can and you want one.
      Sorry I have rambled on and on! Thanks again for your comment I love reading them.

  2. I looked up this question because I had the same question as you. I think that too that there are alot of human beings but my thought is why not me. I never got to experience a mom and dad family growing up because of life circumstances that were thrown in my direction. I am an only child as well so that inate feeling to want to reproduce is strong with me. However I am single and I seem to not make relationship happen. This makes me feel bad and makes me think that goal of having my own family is unatainable and down right selfish. Also to the orininal author of this post, is it weird im a guy and I thought the same as you to lead me to this comment/website.

    • Hi Aj28,
      Thank you for commenting on my blog. I don’t think it is weird that you have these questions. Just because you are a male, does not make you immune to thoughts of becoming a parent. My husband, like you, has strong feelings about wanting to reproduce which is something we have both had to work through as a couple. He still has upsetting days when he sees fathers and sons together or when it’s father’s day and he has no dad of his own and he isn’t a dad himself. I think it is very natural to want to have a child. What I don’t understand though, is when others believe it is selfish when you DON’T have one. Couples who choose not have a child are called selfish, when surely in this day and age with the population as it is, those who do have lots of children are only doing it for themselves. However, it is innate in all living things to reproduce so selfish or not, it’s perfectly natural.

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