I really want to enjoy Christmas. I like to spend time with my husband and visiting my parents and brother. Being with loved ones is my favourite part of the season. I haven’t enjoyed Christmas since my teenage years. My dad left the family home, so it became an annoying time of year when I had to pretend to be happy, hopping from house to house giving presents to people I didn’t really care about. Now, things feel better, but instead of it being tainted by having a dysfunctional family, it is now tainted by not having little children to share it with.
This week has been very emotional. I desperately wanted to organise Christmas early, so that I felt in control and knew what we were doing. Without realising it, my plans and thoughts really upset my husband, and we have argued for 5 days straight. Thankfully, things are better now, and we are trying really hard to see one anothers’ perspective.
After talking it over we came to the conclusion that Christmas is filled with raw emotions from the past and the present. I shared my dreams of having 3 generations of people, sat around my dinner table, whilst I cook up a storm (or not) in the kitchen. Of how, I would like to play board games after lunch, and watch Christmas movies into the evening. G told me that Christmas was really important to him, and even though he wasn’t going to be a dad he still wanted us to develop our own family traditions. That people should come to visit us and we should be seen as a family unit in our right. He said all his life he had looked forward to having a family of his own at Chrismas, but even without children, we are still the family that he wants to be with.
I have cried buckets these past few days. It’s so hard to see adverts on the TV of children opening presents and big families eating their Christmas lunch. To think that we will never be listening to excited children on Christams Eve, or watching them in their Nativity play is quite heartbreaking. We really want to be parents, and Christmas just rubs salt in the wounds.
How do you cope at Christmas?