Getting over Christmas And…..When do you tell a new partner you are infertile?

Well, we’ve got through Christmas without any tears. Although, I did cry at a Simpsons episode. The one where Bart steals a video game and Marge is very disappointed in him. I know it’s daft to cry at the Simpsons, but the mother son theme just plucked at my sensitive bone. The old episodes are the best.

We had a nice Christmas, just the husband and I. We got up quite late, had alcohol for breakfast (only at Christmas do we do this, may I add) put the chicken in the oven, and then went down the pub for quick pint. I was feeling squiffy by 1 O’ clock, and I still had the veg to look after! G did the chicken and gravey and I made the veg. Proper team work. We did a good job of it too. G commented that if we had children, he wouldn’t get half as much pressies off his mum and he would have to act like a grown up. I was pleased he was looking on the bright side on Christmas day.

My friend ( who also can’t have children) sent me a Christmas email, and in it she told me she had starting dating a new fella. She was very excited about it, but wondered when would be the best time to tell him she was infertile. It’s an awkward one this. Talking about children is not a top priority during the early days of dating, but at the same time, I think it’s important to mention it before things begin to get more serious.

I really feel for the both of them. She’s going to feel very awkward bringing up the subject of children. When should she tell him? Should she wait until they both have stronger feelings for each other? That way, there is more of a chance he will stay with her. Or, should she tell him before things get heavy, so if he does break up with her, she won’t feel so hurt and they wouldn’t have wasted any time on each other.

If he does want children in the future, it will make him feel terrible calling it all off. Like she’s just some sort of baby factory for him. But, I suppose, why should he continue in a relationship with someone who can’t have children, if he really wants them? It’s such a difficult situation, I am pleased I don’t have to make these decisions. I also realise that it’s none of my business and I do sound like a nosey parker, having a good gossip at someone elses dilemma. However, I am simply empathising with her and wonder what others think. G always tells me I should turn my empathy gauge down to a 3, it’ll get me into trouble one day.

I am so grateful that I have been with G since university and we are very much in love:

(WARNING sick bucket may be required here)…

G really did want children, and after my hysterectomy he suffered greatly, we both did. I gave him the option to leave me, but he said he wouldn’t want children with anyone else. He has me, and that’s what matters. I am so lucky to have him in my life, and when the baby blues appear, I just have to think about all the great times we’ve had together and that makes me feel better.

A recent observation

There are so many people who want children and infertilty isn’t always the reason why they can’t have them. Take my brother for example; he wants children, but hasn’t met that special person to have them with. My step sister wants children, but she is a lesbian so for obvious reasons she can’t have them either. In lots of ways I am the lucky one, I have found the one and I am happy with my choice.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and you will have a great new year!

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4 thoughts on “Getting over Christmas And…..When do you tell a new partner you are infertile?

  1. I’m so glad there are other couples like my husband and I out there. It really is special to meet someone that no matter what will stand by you. It has been difficult for me to feel like I am robbing my husband of children, but at the same time it is very comforting to know that he is more concerned with my health and well being than anything. It’s good to know there are others out there going through what we are going through. Nice blog!

    • Hi Crazymanda,
      We are so lucky to have the support and love from our husbands. I sometimes feel it must be worse for him, being the one who CAN have children. He would probably be a dad by now if he hadn’t have chosen me to marry. The nice thing is, he never says you’re infertile, he always says we’re infertile. I know it’s not my fault, but its not always easy to believe that.
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  2. As much as Christmas is in many ways a sad time when you have infertility, we too really enjoyed our Christmas Day together as a duo. I bought my hubs a set of Nerf guns, we pulled on the waterproof jackets, trousers and boots, and went to play ‘capture the flag’ in the woods (absolutely covered in mud head to toe). We (well…I) found out we were infertile ‘ironically’, having been together 7 years voluntarily childfree (“no we don’t want kids ever”…”acutally we’ve thought long and hard and changed our minds”…”looks like we couldn’t have kids all along”!”. I told my husband very early on that having children wasn’t a priority for me, and I would ‘risk’ my chances by leaving it later so I could travel, work etc, but that’s a different situation. Personally I would tell him straight away, there will be plenty of lovely men out there for whom fatherhood is secondary to a fulfilling, loving relationship, and it’s probably best to find out if he’s one of them before she’s put so much time and energy in.

    • Hi Flitany,

      Thank you for your comment. It sounds like you had great Christmas day!
      I agree that it is important to tell your partner early on that having children is not option. My friend has told her boyfriend now and he is shocked, but it is still early days. She is giving him some space to think about things. I hope it turns out well for them.

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