A couple of days ago my husband’s cousin had her first baby. Obviously, everyone is really happy for her, ourselves included. I put it to G that we should get her a card and a small gift. We don’t live close by, so it would be a nice way to congratulate her and show our support. So, this afternoon, I popped into a baby shop for a browse, and possible purchase of something cute.
I have never, ever been into a baby shop before, and at first I was quite happy looking around. I spent a few minutes picking up tiny little garments and then putting them back down. Feeling the materials and checking out the sizes.
Suddenly, I had a strange churning feeling in my stomach and was finding it difficult to swallow. My eyes were smarting and I had taken to blinking a lot. I couldn’t believe I was going to cry!
It was my idea to go into the shop, nobody forced me or even suggested it. I just felt so out of my depth, standing around, looking at baby clothes, amongst women with prams and toddlers discussing night feeds and toilet training. The clothes were so adorable and all I could think about was that I would never be part of the parent party. I felt like an imposter, gate crashing a world I have no knowledge of.
After leaving the shop it took me a few minutes to compose my emotions. I felt a bit silly and annoyed with myself because I know I have come a long way since my hysterectomy. It seems though, that baby shopping was a step too far and a test that I had failed. Maybe next year I’ll be able to pass with flying colours, but for now I’m staying well clear!