Adoption Doubts

I was advised today (from someone who didn’t know I couldn’t have children), not to have kids because life is so much simpler without them. She was telling me about her son, and the trouble he gets himself into at school. I know she was speaking in a light hearted jokey way, but it does bother me that it is probably quite true.

My husdand and I were discussing adoption yesterday and he said that we always wait too long to put things into action. He said it will never be a perfect time to adopt, just like it’s never the perfect time to have your own children. I am having a few doubts though, about going along the adoption route and I explained this to G.

What if we adopt and we don’t manage to bond with the child? (As a teacher, I know that I don’t like the company of all children and some really do just grind my gears. At least I’m honest).

What if we crave for the childless life we once had and regret our decision to adopt? We won’t know if it’s right for us until we try it, but then it’ll be too late.

What if one of us can’t cope with the demands of a child?

What if the child doesn’t like us? How do the adoption agencies match couples to children?

Are these doubts normal, or are they a sure sign that it wouldn’t be a good idea?

On the other hand I always have little day dreams about sitting with a child on the sofa when they’re all cosy and snug in their dressing gown and I’m reading them a bedtime story. I’m envious of mothers who have a little hand to hold when they are walking down the road and when they have proud little moments with their child.

But it scares me that having a child is so full on, every day, 24 hours a day for the rest of my life, well at least up until they’re 18. People don’t need to tell me how hard it is, I totally beileve them!

So when the lady advised me not to have children I knew what she meant and wondered if I would be up to the most difficult job in the world.

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5 thoughts on “Adoption Doubts

  1. Your thoughts and doubts are quite normal. I have given birth to children and adopted. In my first pregnancy, I had some of the same fears and concerns you are expressing. I even dreamed that my baby was in the trunk of the car or left behind somewhere. I often wondered if I would be a good mom. Then we had three sons and it was sink or swim time! Yes, raising children is the most challenging and difficult and demanding thing I have ever done, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything! Raising children has taught me so much about myself, about others, and about God. When my sons were 2, 4, and 6 I had a dream about a little girl that I was supposed to adopt (you can read about our story in my book Nine Year Pregnancy). At first I thought I was crazy (so did my husband) but we agreed to pray about it and seek God and trust Him and His timing and way. It took nearly a decade (many open and closed doors along the way) but we finally adopted our little girl in 2007. For us, the journey was an important part of preparing us to parent a child born from another…particularly an older child (she was 6 at the time). We knew that if God brought it about, then He would give us what we needed to raise her. Even with all the waiting and desiring and hoping and praying…once we brought her home I wondered again if what we had done was the right thing. The first year was especially difficult (and yes it took us awhile to bond and there are days she says mean things)…but she is a joy and delight. And we have bonded. I love her as much as I love each of the children born to me. And my love in some ways is much deeper because of the trials we have been through together. If God has given you and your husband a desire for children and a heart that thinks about caring for a child’s deepest needs (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) then please do adopt. But please read others’ adoption stories and read about the best ways to care for an adopted child. Once you adopt, join a support group. I highly recommend journaling your whole adventure along the way. Another book I wrote was just published today called My Paper Pregnancy Journal. In addition to lots of room to write your story, it includes prompts, quotes, inspiration, and recommended books to read. I hope you’ll check it out. You can find out more on my blogs:
    http://delanasworld.wordpress.com
    http://nineyearpregnancy.wordpress.com
    You can also follow me on twitter and facebook.
    Blessings to you on your journey! And don’t forget! Fears and doubts are a very normal part of the journey (whether adopting kids or thinking about birthing kids).
    Delana

    • Hi Delana,

      Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel a whole lot better when you tell me my doubts are normal. Before I had my hysterectomy, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted children, and I’m a bit confused why I am feeling different about it now. I know it’s not because the child wouldn’t be biologically mine, because that really is not an issue. I think it’s because of the emotional rollar coaster that I know adoption will be. It’s just not as simple as having your own baby and there are so many hoops to jump through. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to put my mind at ease a little.

      • You are right that there are a lot of hoops! If you want to minimize the hoops and the time and the cost…consider adopting a waiting child in your state. Regardless of the way, remember that the journey is as much a part of what’s important as is receiving the child to parent. Blessings!

      • It’s not only the hoops, but the emotions that go with them. I struggle to talk to new people about my hysterectomy without crying even after it being 3 years on. I know some people in the UK have their hopes up of adopting a child, some even meet the child, but then some legality occurs and they are back at square one again. I don’t know how I’d handle that, when I can’t control my emotions at this stage never mind that late stage.
        I am just putting things off though, and that acheives nothing. I need to pull myself together and at least start the ball rolling. We might not even be accepted, so all this worrying would be for nothing.

      • I know all about being emotional! And I know about waiting long and facing closed doors along the way. Maybe this will bless you–http://delanasworld.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/a-season-of-waiting/
        Delana

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