The waiting game

I saw the gynecologist yesterday and although he really didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, I now feel worse about it all. For a start, I had to have my appointment at the cancer centre, which made my stomach tie up in knots straight away. He sat me down and said one of the cysts was definitley not cancerous, but the other looks either benign or borderline cancerous. I wasn’t sure what that meant so he said borderline means in between cancer and not. I also have another cyst above my cervix, but he didn’t say much about that one.
He then examined me and said the cyst was palpable, which was a good sign apparently. So now I have to have CT scan to find out more about the cyst and a blood test on Monday to see if I have any cancer markers.

The worst thing so far (apart from the fact I might have cancer), is that I will have to have both my ovaries removed. Due to the size of the cyst, he doesn’t think he can do it key hole, so I’ll need another great big operation. When I had my hysterectomy, I ended up in intensive care because my lungs were not functioning properly, so now I’m really scared about the operation. He said they will take good care of me and carry out lung function tests etc before the operation, so that shouldn’t happen again, but it’s still scary.

At the moment I am crying a lot. I’m not sure how I will cope if it does turn out to be cancer. I can’t believe I am having to deal with yet another health issue, when to look at me you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with me. I am healthy! It is helping writing it all down on this blog though, it kind of clears my mind and makes me feel a little stronger.

How things can change in a month! I spoke to my mum today to see how she is. She’s on week two of her recovery from radio therapy for breast cancer. She is so wonderful. Still up beat and laughing when she’s really been through it these past few weeks. It was hard not to tell her about my problems, and she could tell by my voice that there was something wrong. I managed to hold it together, and lie that I was just tired. I won’t tell her anything until I know for sure what’s going to happen. She needs to stay positive for her own health.

So now I have to wait for my scan appointment and support my husband, who is going for an operation on Tuesday. He’s very quiet at the moment and I’m worried about him. It’s times like this that I wish I lived closer to my friends and family. Speaking on the phone isn’t the same as seeing someone in the the flesh and I could really do with some positive vibes.

Comments below are welcome, but as I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment, could they be positive comments. I’m frightened enough as it is, and I’m trying really hard not to read stuff on the web. Thanks for any support though, I really appreciate it!

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8 thoughts on “The waiting game

  1. I’m sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. If it helps in any way when I had my hysterectomy I too ended up in intensive care afterwards due to complications and I was really scared about having another op but it couldn’t have been more different this time around. The hospital were aware of my previous issues and did look after me really well and I was back in my room eating toast and drinking tea within a few hours of the op! I’m six weeks down the line this week and although I’m still quite sore and not quite ready for the demands of teaching little ones yet, I’m doing well.

    I have found keeping a journal over the last four years to be very helpful when sorting through all the conflicting emotions I have felt so I get why writing this blog helps to clear your mind somehwat. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts and hope you are feeling a little better today.

    Take care x

  2. Hi Janey,
    Our stories are so similar it’s weird! I am feeling a bit better today. I’ve been out shopping all day with my husband to get him some new pjs for his hospital appointment and we’ve had a nice pub lunch and a good laugh. Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate it. It does help to know you are ok and hopefully I will be too. Xx

  3. Only recently discovered your blog but it sounds like you’ve been through a lot and don’t really need any more c**p thrown at you, but unfortunately I know from experience life doesn’t always play ball. However, you’ve survived up ’til now and am sure you will get through this too.
    Ps hope your hubby’s op went well today.

    • Hi ZoeCakes,

      Thank you for your comment. Yes, my hubby’s operation went well even after a dodgy start, as they called late last night to say it had been cancelled. We were very annoyed so turned up anyway and he was first on the list to go down to theatre. That was a load of stress we didn’t need!
      It is a shame that life doesn’t always play ball, and you are right I have survived up till now. I’m not feeling very strong at the moment though, and that is very unlike me. I’m very anxious although I want to think positively, it’s difficult when cancer is a real possiblity. Thinking about my own mortality is a new experience for me and I don’t like it one bit.

  4. Hey hun sorry I havent checked in for a while. Just read your blog and Big Hugs to you. My Hysterectomy was due to a multitude of problems and cysts was just one of them. They were Stage 1 but after my op I was cancer free. I feel so much better these days and everyone comments on healthy I look. I have so many plans for the future and for my business that I am giddy with excitement. Loads planned for this year including a Holiday to look forward too and a mini break. Start planing yours so you have something to look forward too. Much love to you at this time and feel free to contact me if you need a sound board. Sam xx

  5. Thanks Sam! I am wanting a good holiday this year. I really hope my summer won’t be taken up with operations and recovery. Only time will tell what’s going to happen.
    I am glad you are healthy are happy. X

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