Unwanted emotions

I’m not sure if it’s hormones or what, but for the past few days I’ve felt on verge of tears. I did cry yesterday, twice, but I’m not sure why.
I have been reading comments from a forum for women who are childless by circumstance (Gateway Women) and I have had to stop because it’s making me feel really sad. There are a lot of ladies going through IVF and who have had miscarriages, and it’s just heartbreaking to read some of their stories.
As well as feeling sad for those women, I also feel upset for myself, that I haven’t had any experience of even trying for a baby, never mind being pregnant. I wouldn’t wish having a miscarriage on anyone, but for a second last night, I felt envious of those women have been pregnant for a few weeks. How awful is that? They’ve lost their baby, and I’m thinking well at least you’ve been pregnant! These thoughts are really not me at all, and I feel ashamed, I just don’t know where they are coming from. I haven’t felt upset about being infertile for ages now, I thought I had got over most of it.
And now I’m crying again… Great. Right well, I’m off to dry my tears and hope tomorrow brings back the happy me.

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3 thoughts on “Unwanted emotions

  1. I’m sorry to hear how low you are feeling, I think it’s all part of the hormone balancing out aspect of losing an ovary. I am off work again this week having overdone it for inspection and passing out and bursting my nose on Sunday! All I have done since then is cry and I too am feeling utterly heartbroken about my childless state even though I really felt I was coming to terms with it a few weeks ago. It’s all very difficult and if it’s any consolation I have felt very sad and jealous that I can’t even try for a baby over the last week or two which I have felt awful about too. I’m sending you big hugs and you know where I am if you want to email. Take care xx

    • Oh Janey,you sound like you’ve had a horrible week. Have a duvet and pj week. I’ve had plenty of those recently, and it’s lovely to just stay in a warm bed away from all the stresses of the world. Apart from reading the news, which hubby stopped me from doing yesterday because I was crying and reading at the same time. The news is awful at the moment, no wonder we’re depressed!

      I had a moment yesterday, where I thought I would really like the experience of having sex, with making a baby in mind, and then peeing on a stick to see if it worked. I know it’s silly, and there are millions of women out there who are tired of peeing on sticks, only to be disappointed, but I’ll never know what that’s like, and I feel robbed. Instead I’ve added another scar to the list of scars I already have, and I have a horrible stabbing pain that won’t go away.

      I think there’s something in the air because Hubby is down in the dumps too. I have to keep reminding myself of how much worse things could be, and give myself a “pull yourself together” shake.

      Take it easy, and remember you’re not alone, we rock!

      • I am back in pjs on the sofa this week although I’m having to go back in work on Thursday. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am feeling very wobbly about my life not being as I had planned it to be. Very silly and nothing I can do to change it, I think I’ve just been shook up by knocking myself out!

        I completely understand the pregnancy test thing. When I passed out the other morning, some helpful soul from work who doesn’t know my situation to be fair, text me to check I wasn’t pregnant! What do you say to that other than ‘no it’s not that!’. Anyway later on on my way back from the doctors I was in Tesco and I saw the pregnancy tests and had to leave for a good cry. It’s silly but I just really wanted to need to buy one. I’m sure once I’ve rested up this week I will feel better but sometimes I just find it all so unfair. And I hear you about another scar too. Anyway you’re right, we do rock and we will get there eventually! I hope the pain starts to ease up for you soon xx

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